Guest Blog, Or Why it's Nice to Have Talented Friends II

I enjoy the Olympics, but more in a "I can watch this while cooking dinner/knitting/doing homework (not anymore, HA)/folding laundry" way instead of avid-fandom. Enter the author of this next guest blog, who I met for the first time 4 years ago during the Olympics (we were living in the same first-year dorm. Ah, memories.) I soon realized that she would become one of my best friends, and would tell me about skating for the rest of my life. Enjoy! Regretably, I am a delayed poster, and Men's Finals have finished, but do watch the videos. Some of the costumes are beyond fab. And--Ice Dance starts TONIGHT!!!
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Anyone who has conversed with me beyond greetings made in passing knows that I am an avid fan and follower of figure skating. Consequently, every four years when the Olympics roll around in February I’m typically inundated with commentary and lecturing rants regarding the performances from those who only watch figure skating once every four years; this is annoying. Not to be misinterpreted, I love discussing, watching, and explaining figure skating to the casual or non-fan. I do not, however, enjoy being talked to lectured on who will win, who should have won, who is a terrible skater, figure skating is not really a sport, USA should always beat Russia, etc… This is not preaching to the choir, as that statement assumes the preacher is akin to the choir, this is more George W. Bush teaching a nuclear physicist how to properly pronounce nucleosynthesis. Luckily, the birth of modern technology and the Internet has been incredibly beneficial to the figure skating community; cultivating places for hardcore fans, skaters, judges, and coaches to come together.

Nonetheless, I’ve become accustomed to the varying questions the casual every-four-years viewers ask this time of the year and typically don’t mind (truly some are quite amusing). This quadrennial has resulted in a very new and exciting figure skating query, guest blog! It was slightly difficult to decide what to write about as the sport has four disciplines and a myriad of teams and skaters within each. Similarly, skating often is accompanied by complicated back-stories and drama, notable figures with a host of connotations, nicknames, manic uber fans, and a complicated scoring system - almost all of which would take too long to explain. So, I’ll provide a brief run-down of who to watch and expect to see near the podium of the two most interesting disciplines this Olympics: Mens and Dance. Plus, my all time favorite figure skating picture game: jumpface!

Mens

This is by far the deepest breadth of skating talent and contenders I can ever remember in the Mens discipline.

Stephane Lambiel (SUI) Stephane is one of many “comebacks” this season, returning after taking a year off and relaxing his frequently injured knee. He is one of the few true artists on the ice; only a visionary would skate to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons wearing zebra print – and he won the Olympic Silver Medal in 2006 for it. Beyond his artistry and fluid skating, he is without a doubt one of the greatest male spinners figure skating has known. Prepare to be astounded by his contorting sit and blurred scratch spins, but don’t be surprised to see him take a spill on the Triple Axel.

Must Watch Stephane Program: Flamenco

Brain Joubert (FRA) Joubert is always good for a laugh, his innate understanding of great choreography is hip thrusting and generally pornographic moves translated to the ice. Don’t be fooled, however, he is an amazing technician and could easily jump his way to the top spot on the podium. He is likely to go for AT LEAST two Quads in his long program.

Must Watch Joubert Program: The Matrix

Nobunari Oda (JPN) Japan doesn’t have much of a legacy for Mens skating, but they are sending three very talented skaters to Vancouver. Nobu is young and will easily keep skating to Sochi in 2014. His Charlie Chaplain long program is probably the best long program of the season. He is a little guy with a big personality, and loves to show that off by skating in character. He actually looks like one of those gem trolls, but in a good way.

Must Watch Nobu Program: Super Mario Brothers

Daisuke Takahashi (JPN) He was sorely missed last season, out the entire year due to injury, and has had a rough year coming back to the ice. Two years ago I would have easily predicted him on the podium, now it’s a wait-and-see situation regarding his conditioning and ability to overcome injury. Despite his recent struggles, Daisuke can always be counted on for superb originality, insane footwork, and crazy hair.

Must Watch Daisuke Program: Hip Hop Swan Lake

Honorable Mentions:

Evgeni Plushenko: Plushy is returning after winning the Olympic Gold Medal in 2006 just to piss off figure skating fans everywhere with his non-existent choreography, blonde mullet, and arm flailing. If there is a lock for a podium spot it’s this man, who upon his first competition this season after four years of being away, ended his Short Program early to throw his index finger at the judges and mouth “number 1”. He is the greatest jumper the sport has known, and the proud creator of the sport’s most embarrassing exhibition, Sex Bomb.

Evan Lysacek: He is the reigning World Champ (which never bodes well at the Olympics) and the USA’s best hope for a medal. He is a solid skater, but a total idiot. You’ll notice him from a mile away, he glows neon orange and black from all the fake tan and hair grease. I have death in my soul that he will not be wearing his nipple costume from earlier this season.

Dance

Dance is known for politics, even the casual fan knows of the 2002 scandal, so typically the podium is either completely predictable (fair or accurate is another story) or completely up for grabs. This year is up for grabs. Additionally, there is the shocking possibility of a North American sweep of the podium with B/A, D/W, and V/M. [editor's note: ice dance teams often have their names combined into something catchy; think Brangelina.]

Belbin and Agosto (Belgosto) (USA): They’re the USA’s most decorated ice dancers of all time, and have revolutionized the sport in the US. They medaled in 2006 with the Silver Medal (breaking history), and will try to do better this time. I only see them winning Gold or missing the podium entirely for fourth. Tanith is the queen of perk and is basically a life sized Barbie. Plus, she has a great “O face” (O for Orgasm, a staple of Dance).
Don’t be distracted by her beauty, Ben is a fantastic dancer and the stronger of the two.

Must Watch B/A Program: Let's Get Loud

Khokhlova and Novitski (La Khok) (RUS): Welcome to acrobats on ice. Jana Khokhlova has stupendous flexibility and shows it off. Known for their strange choreography, they’ve just recently changed their Free Dance to Firebird and this costume.

Must Watch K/N Program: Night on Bald Mountain The final 20 seconds cannot be missed, the bicycle lift is legendary stuff.

Kerr and Kerr (GBR): John and Sinead Kerr are a brother and sister team, which squicks out some, but they refrain from romantic programs. They’ve always developed some of the greatest program concepts (ice skating aliens from outer space comes to mind) and Sinead is badass enough to do a reverse gender lift (the woman lifting the man).

Must Watch Kerrs Program: Scottish Highland Yes, he does wear a kilt!

Delobel and Schoenfelder (Delschoes) (FRA): Their first competition this season will be the Olympics, and much secrecy and excitement surrounds their programs. Isabelle gave birth about 3 months ago (the pregnancy being the reason they’ve been off the ice), so lets just say they haven’t been training their usual amount. They look to be in great form regardless, and are known for their superior skating skills and edges.

Must Watch Delschoes Program: Bonnie and Clyde

Honorable Mentions:

Davis and White (USA): If you can get beyond the fact that Charlie is a mass of blonde curls and Meryl’s eyes are seemingly impossibly too far apart, you’ll enjoy them. They have what many consider the best Original Dance of the season to a Bollywood Medley; a YouTube sensation over in India. They are the current US Champs, a podium threat, and a young team with a bright future ahead.

Virtue and Moir (CDN): Tessa and Scott will be on the Vancouver podium, I promise you that. Which position? I don’t know, but it could very well be Gold. They have great chemistry with one another and even to the untrained eye come across as very flowing and smooth across the ice. The down side? Many will ZZZzzzzz to their programs.

Dominina and Shabalin (RUS): I don’t know how many times I’ve uttered the phrase: “God I hate DomShabs”. [editor's note: she really does say this a LOT.] Certainly my least favorite team, and only because they are classically over scored as of late. Maxim’s knees are shot and they’ve missed the majority of this season due to his surgery. You will see a lot of national media coverage regarding this team with their controversial aboriginal Original Dance (Australia was not amused by their costumes, music, and choreography). Also note their use of suspension belts in the Free Dance, cheating perhaps? Don’t be mislead by my hating; they could possibly end up with Gold (in which case I will burn Utica to the ground).

And now for the grand finale!

Photographers LOVE to take action shots of figure skaters; it’s easy to imagine that mid jump is typically not when one looks their best. Even more amusing, is the media’s tendency to always choose those candid shots to accompany published articles. Skating fans call this “jumpface”.

CAUTION: THIS CAN BE GRUESOME